I glanced at my blog and realised that it's been more than a month since I last wote something on here. I immediately felt guilty about being so lapse with it but then came to the conclusion that it was probably better to take a small break and find the clarity I needed to be able to write in the ways I wanted to once again.
There's a couple of reasons why I needed to take some time away. Someone who was really close to me died and it wasn't unexpected it was just completely strange them not being there anymore. She was such a force in my life and it's crazy that she isn't there to call anymore. This happened just before I went to the US for a few weeks and I think I buried my head in the sand about it to make sure I enjoyed my time away, but it actually just ended up making it worse because I thought I was okay, and then I wasn't.
There's a couple of reasons why I needed to take some time away. Someone who was really close to me died and it wasn't unexpected it was just completely strange them not being there anymore. She was such a force in my life and it's crazy that she isn't there to call anymore. This happened just before I went to the US for a few weeks and I think I buried my head in the sand about it to make sure I enjoyed my time away, but it actually just ended up making it worse because I thought I was okay, and then I wasn't.
I often feel like I'm just a bundle of walking contradictions. Like a lot of 20-somethings, I constantly feel like I should have achieved more, done more, seen more than I have at this point in my life. And as a result, I put a lot of pressure on myself to do it all. But that is so hard when I feel like I am pulled in so many different directions. In one instance, I want to travel the world and see as many places as I possibly can, but then I want to be crazy ambitious and invest these 'crucial' years in my career and being a #girlboss and THEN I just want to learn a handful of recipes that I can nail and own a decent kettle.
It's like I have so many parts of me that I'm trying to make happy or at least appease and I can't help but think what would 13-year-old me think of 24-year-old me. But then I realise that 13-year-old me wouldn't give a damn, because 13-year-old me didn't give a damn about much. At 13, I would have been jealous of the fact I had my own flat and was completely self-sufficient. At 13, I would have just been pleased that I had a boyfriend that loves and respects me and a best friend too. At 13, I would just have been happy that I found the confidence to go to a completely different city and live by myself because at 13 none of this shit mattered. And I guess that's the point.
It's like I have so many parts of me that I'm trying to make happy or at least appease and I can't help but think what would 13-year-old me think of 24-year-old me. But then I realise that 13-year-old me wouldn't give a damn, because 13-year-old me didn't give a damn about much. At 13, I would have been jealous of the fact I had my own flat and was completely self-sufficient. At 13, I would have just been pleased that I had a boyfriend that loves and respects me and a best friend too. At 13, I would just have been happy that I found the confidence to go to a completely different city and live by myself because at 13 none of this shit mattered. And I guess that's the point.
I'm doing okay and I'm doing the best with what I have. And I guess that's what's important.